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Practicing my patience…

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Real talk. I don’t ever feel strong enough. On any given day, my heart is broken and I’m exhausted. But somehow, giving up on creating our family is never an option. I don’t understand how that’s even possible – to feel so helpless but still be so determined. But then, time and time again, I prove myself wrong. I always survive no matter how much I would rather drown. Truth is, I know no other way.

This past Friday, we found out that our 5th embryo transfer was negative. When we got the news, Steve and I just kinda stared at each other. The emotional teary mess came later but our initial reaction was more along the lines of, how the fuck are we not pregnant yet?

While yes, I’m angry and confused and filled with worry, I keep finding myself taking long, intentional breaths. Breaths filled with prayers for peace and clarity. I want answers so bad but in between all the reassuring hugs from Steven, I also have this overwhelming feeling that we will get there. We are getting closer and closer and I just need to practice a little patience. Instead, I keep trying to visualize our future babies – who they’ll look like, how much they’re gonna love their papa, their little laughs. I hope they will one day be proud to be a part of the family we created. The family that we worked so hard for. I hope they know how loved they have always been. How deeply they are wanted. How many times we talked to God about them. That’s truly what is helping me to keep moving forward.

So what’s next for us? I guess we’re going to have to take a deep breath and try again. What’s that saying – sixth time is the charm? In the meantime, please continue to send a prayer up for us or any positive energy our way. Wishing you love and light…


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  • Angie - my heart is broken for you guys, all you can do is keep the faith and keep trying Hun. sending lots of prayers and positive vibes your way.ReplyCancel

  • Jordana - I hate this so much. But I continue to be in awe of your positivity and your light and your love. You are the strongest person I know and I love you. Sending you all the hugs.ReplyCancel

  • Meg - Come on baby, you’re torturing your mama – she is READY for you!!!! 6 is lucky lucky .. sending you both all my love and I can’t wait for the day you can shake your finger jokingly at your little bundle and say, “Do you KNOW how much you put us through?” <3ReplyCancel

  • Natasha - It will happen. In definitely will. Sending you both all the positive vibes. xxxReplyCancel

  • em - you guys got all my prayers. love you both so.ReplyCancel

  • Lily - Ala – I’m so sorry. I know it is probably so hard, but there is a reason and someday soon this little baby will be in life and you will realize why the last 5 times didn’t work. You amaze me with your strength. Sending you light, hugs and many many prayers to you and Steve.ReplyCancel

  • Carolina - I don’t know you or your husband, but I will pray for you and the family you want. My husband and I are starting our 4th year trying for a baby. Ivf begins in January. I believe deep in my heart we will have our family. Never give up on your family! Every day that we fight for our child, is one day closer to having them in our arms. After many bfn’s I understand how hard it is to keep up the strugle. Often times I feel like I’m the last woman on earth to get pregnant, but between my loving husband and God I feel that I just gotta keep on fighting. Please remember you’re not alone and we are praying for you and your husband.ReplyCancel

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