On March 18th, I went into Dr. Potter’s office and gave blood. I had been in those shoes before, 5 times to be exact – with 2 other doctors and 10 other embryos. I knew the day was going to be nerve-wracking. It always is. By that point, I could probably have taken a home pregnancy test but sometimes those are wrong. Sometimes it’s too early or you get a bad batch or your husband makes you promise you’ll stay away from analyzing those evil pink lines. I planned to at least try to keep myself busy without going crazy or bursting into tears at any given moment but really, who was I kidding?
I had a good feeling about this time, but every time before this try, I was sure it had worked only to have my heart broken. I bought a new camera, I took all my equipment in to be serviced, I bought a donut, I got my eyebrows waxed, I strolled every damn aisle at target. I finally made it home and laid down for a bit to breathe. I nervously called my mom, I checked my email a few hundred times. Every second that passed felt like an eternity. I could literally hear each tick the hands on the wall clock made. I prayed for peace. For calm. For pure thoughts and a positive mind. I turned on the tv but not even that could distract me.
I was starting to go crazy. I started to cry and my heart felt like it was going to beat right on out of my chest. I heard Steve’s phone ring and I think I stopped breathing for a moment. The tension and stress of all the waiting was just too much. This day was long enough! I stepped out the front door and paced. I wondered what was taking so long for the nurses to call with my blood results. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Maybe it’s taking so long because it’s good news. Or wait, it’s probably bad news and they’re gathering up to nerve to tell me. I noticed I was barefoot pacing outside with mascara under my eyes and I probably looked insane but at that point, I didn’t even care. All I could tell myself was to be strong. No matter what happens Alicia, be strong. You will survive. Today will be the best day or the worst but I promise, you’ll get through it. I hated giving myself a pep talk but I knew I needed it.
Finally I heard the front door open. Your papa took a deep breath and with the biggest smile said my favorite words, “WE’RE PREGNANT”!! I fell into his arms and wept, half believing him, half thinking I was hallucinating. Could this even be real? He held me for as long as I needed him to. I can’t remember how long it was but I know his tight embrace was his way of showing me this was real. I sat down on the stairs and listened to him repeat everything our nurse had told him, most of it going in one ear, out the other. Not because I didn’t care, but because it didn’t matter. At that moment, I knew our family was about to grow and my heart immediately doubled in size for you.
It’s a strange phenomenon having your husband tell you you’re pregnant but it really does sum up the way life happens for us. Nothing has ever been normal. It’s definitely something we’ve gotten used to and now we openly embrace and expect. Although it was probably the most stressful day in recent memory, I love how it all went down. I love that your papa found out about you before I did. He doesn’t get the honor of carrying you for 9 months but he did have the privilege of knowing about you first. I just love that. How many fathers get that moment all to themselves, even if just for a few seconds? It just makes our story that much more fun and exciting to tell you when you are old enough to understand. And I can’t wait!