Real talk. I don’t ever feel strong enough. On any given day, my heart is broken and I’m exhausted. But somehow, giving up on creating our family is never an option. I don’t understand how that’s even possible – to feel so helpless but still be so determined. But then, time and time again, I prove myself wrong. I always survive no matter how much I would rather drown. Truth is, I know no other way.
This past Friday, we found out that our 5th embryo transfer was negative. When we got the news, Steve and I just kinda stared at each other. The emotional teary mess came later but our initial reaction was more along the lines of, how the fuck are we not pregnant yet?
While yes, I’m angry and confused and filled with worry, I keep finding myself taking long, intentional breaths. Breaths filled with prayers for peace and clarity. I want answers so bad but in between all the reassuring hugs from Steven, I also have this overwhelming feeling that we will get there. We are getting closer and closer and I just need to practice a little patience. Instead, I keep trying to visualize our future babies – who they’ll look like, how much they’re gonna love their papa, their little laughs. I hope they will one day be proud to be a part of the family we created. The family that we worked so hard for. I hope they know how loved they have always been. How deeply they are wanted. How many times we talked to God about them. That’s truly what is helping me to keep moving forward.
So what’s next for us? I guess we’re going to have to take a deep breath and try again. What’s that saying – sixth time is the charm? In the meantime, please continue to send a prayer up for us or any positive energy our way. Wishing you love and light…